Worst of the Really Bad

Online dating seems to have way more misses than hits, at least for me. I decided it was only fair to share a sampling of what's out there so you all can have a laugh too. Below is a taste of some of the profiles of men who have contacted me, as well as their initial approach to me. I will have no problem updating this list often.

In fairness, you can see my profile here. Feel free to critique.

Info from profile	Email that was supposed to woo me
just ask ill tell sick sameo so be real, all i ask if want know no games, if dont ask never , really lost hope and faith up to you,so tag ur it if want no games truth up front. if your intrested id hope wed find each other and in all id wish make efford ,,,,,, Im will do all it takes if find someone wants same been single long time have daughter in college other wise no drama or bagage here just good man lookin for good woman	would like get too know you we dont live far and i like your profile also
just in case there is someone intrested and wondering in the am endowed more than enough, sounds trashy but seems women want to know it all and I don't mind sharing. And a women who knows there way around being sexy, when and where to do it. There are not many things I have'nt done, such as work wise.	Hey I am pretty sure I don't match any of your dont's. Would you like to get to know me?
just moved to knoxville from texas...not sure how much i like it here yet though lol like anything outdoors...have 2 kids that i tried to spend as much time as i can with...ex army...thats about it	Hey Just wanted to say ur hot & if u ever need a sugar daddy..to pay ur bills, buy u things or just to give u spending cash..just let me know cause ur 2 hot not 2 have a sugar daddy hottie :)
my hobbies are racing and going to demo derbies...my goals are to meet the right woman and be happy...im fun to be around and plus im the joing kind that makes ppl laugh	looknn good

Sham Wow Guy

            Sham Wow Guy told me that he had just moved to Knoxville for his job. He was a master at dodging questions, and I couldn’t get a clear answer about what that job was. Still, he reminded me of The Engagement That Didn’t Happen (physically my “type”) and he wasn’t from East Tennessee, two qualities that typically attract me.

            As he was new to the area, I offered to pick him up for our lunch date so he wouldn’t have to worry with directions. He gave me his address. The “apartment” that he said his employer had supplied for him while he settled into the area turned out to be an Econo Lodge. The “apartment” number was actually his room number.

            My Spidey sense warned me to be cautious. I pulled into a parking spot directly in front of his door, which was open. I walked to the door (but not in) and asked if he was ready for lunch. He invited me in for a few minutes while he finished getting ready, which I politely declined from the doorway. He continued to press me to come in to chat, offering to have lunch delivered to the room and trying to “tempt” me by mentioning the hotel pool (two things: I have a pool at my house and this hotel does not actually have a pool).

            While still standing in the doorway, I noticed a huge pile of towels in one area of his room. I asked what that was about, and he finally told me that his job was to travel with car shows and sell these towels.

            “Great,” I thought. “I have a date with a Sham Wow Guy who isn’t even really living in Knoxville.”

            He asked me several times what I was looking for in terms of dating. I initially told him that I would like a relationship, but believe in one step at a time, so for today I was just looking to meet new people and see what happened. When he continued to press for more info, I finally told him that what I was looking for was “NOT afternoon delight.”

It seemed rude to cancel at this point (in hindsight I have no idea why), so instead I told him I would wait for him in the car while he finished getting ready. I went to the car and immediately sent a text to a friend giving her information about my whereabouts and a general description of the guy, should I be found floating in pieces down a river.

            Sham Wow acted like he was searching frantically for something in his room. He then walked out and told me that he needed to look in his car for something. I assumed this was going to be the “I can’t find my wallet. Can you pay?” conversation. I was wrong.

            Instead, Sham Wow told me that his roommate had left earlier and didn’t leave him with a key (the second bed in the room was made and there was no other indication of a roommate). He claimed that the room was in his boss’ name, so he wouldn’t be able to get a new key from the desk clerk. It appeared we had no choice but to have lunch in his room, as he couldn’t leave the door unlocked but couldn’t simply lock it and leave with no idea how he would get back in.

            It turned out, we did have a choice. I chose to leave. I told him that things just weren’t right for us to have lunch that day and left. He sent me a text as I pulled off saying “call me when you have more time to stay”. I somehow didn’t find the time, and I assume he has now gone off to the next Sham Wow town.

Doctor Wannabe

Dr. Wannabe was no doctor at all. He was in medical equipment sales, which is a respectable position, but seemed to lead him to some form of penis envy for the doctors he worked with daily.

The Doc initially described his work only as “in the medical profession”. Lots of people are vague about their jobs. However, he also showed up for both of our dates in scrubs. He threw out medical jargon in casual conversation in a manner that was obviously intended to impress. When he explained his real job, he spoke of his expertise and excellent income, bragging about his beach house and the paid-for house he had given his ex-wife.

Our first date was brief and all about him. Since I know we are all trying to impress on the first date, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and agreed to a second date. Because of my unusual schedule, I requested a breakfast date, to which he agreed.

The second date began with stories of his conquests of successful women, complete with belittling of their skills both professionally and in bed. After that, I heard about his gun collection and how he pulled one on the boyfriend of his ex-wife just to remind him that Doc was boss.

Our conversation concluded with his mentioning that he had a hotel room nearby. Allegedly, he had been called to a local hospital for an emergency which required his expertise in the middle of the night. Rather than drive twenty minutes home, he thought it made more sense to stay in a hotel since he knew he would be back out that way for our breakfast. I then told him the story of the Sham Wow guy, pointing out that I recognized the guy’s efforts to lure me into his hotel room and emphasizing that I’m not a fling kind of gal.

I never heard from him again. I didn’t mind.

The Sophomore

            After The Engagement That Didn’t Happen, I thought I’d sworn off younger men. But here I was, going out with a guy who was eight years my junior and, in fact, a college sophomore. Still, his well-written and witty emails had me intrigued, and the chiseled abs didn’t hurt.

            He was bold enough to go on a triple date with my friends for a first date. To be a stranger in a close-knit group can be intimidating, but he handled it well and a good time was had by all. After dinner, he and I separated from the group for an evening at a hilarious comedy show.

            This guy had an almost unsettling honesty to him (did he really ask me about coloring my hair?), but he was equally charming. He was my perfect balance of complimentary and flirty without being cheesy or pushy. By the end of the night, I knew I at least wanted to know more about this curious being.

            Over the next several days, we saw each other often. I learned that his honesty went both ways. I enjoyed having the freedom to ask otherwise invasive questions about his feelings and his history. His answers were insightful and raw. His kisses left me daydreaming about him when we were apart.

            Alas, it was over before it really began. Just as I was contemplating him as boyfriend material, his Achilles’ heel was exposed. What I had initially seen as a sensitivity and self-awareness became apparent as an anger and resentment over past hurts. A broken childhood, the traumas of war (he had completed tours in the Middle East), and a bitter divorce by the age of twenty-six had left him too wounded.

            One of the lessons I have learned best in life is that you can’t change someone who doesn’t want change. I am very willing to be supportive of the struggles that come with change, but this guy wasn’t ready to let go and move on. Every happy moment was overshadowed by a painful memory or a resentful accusation. In short, he was too stuck in the past to enjoy the present.

            During what was to be one of our last kisses, he stopped to talk about how much he dreaded going to work. I understood his frustration over moving from a respected military position to a mundane retail job, but I couldn’t excuse the thought usurping our experience together. He recognized it too, as he commented on not being ready for a relationship.

            It was refreshing to meet someone with whom I could be blunt and share private thoughts. Still, it’s impossible to move on with the future until the past can be left behind. We choose whether the mistakes that we’ve made or had committed towards us are beneficial or paralyzing. I hope my sophomore can one day choose to let go and move on. He’s got a lot of great qualities that he’s not able to see while living in the past.

The Cop

Some of my funniest dating stories are ones where the date didn’t happen at all. On a few occasions, I have been asked out and accepted dates, only to have had things go so badly during the time between asking and going that I canceled.

            On one occasion, I had planned a date with The Cop. The Cop had seen several pictures of me, but still kept asking me to text pix to him. While I think I’m reasonably attractive, I photograph horribly. I generally avoid cameras and do about thirty retakes for every one picture I post, so I definitely am not a fan of the picture text. Still, I assumed he was just wanting to make sure the images he had seen were current by seeing something taken that day. I took a so-so picture and sent it to him after he had made three requests.

            He seemed to approve of the picture, as he complimented it and said he was looking forward to seeing me. Case closed, or so I thought. Instead, he asked for more pictures. I had an uneasy feeling that perhaps he was leading up to nude photos, which I won’t do. I’ve learned to listen to my gut, so I politely told him that I thought we were in different places in life (read: I found him immature) and should cancel our date. His response floored me.

            After he called me numerous times without an answer (I was in a meeting), he called me from a different number. As my meeting had just finished, I answered, not knowing who was calling. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

The Cop: Oh, so now you answer.

Me: What?

The Cop: I’ve been calling and you avoided me. Now that you didn’t recognize the number, you answer.

Me: I was in a meet…

The Cop: (interrupting) So you’re standing me up?

Me: No, standing you up would involve telling you I’d be there and then not showing. I cancelled.

The Cop: Why did you cancel?

Me: I just wasn’t comfortable with you continuing to ask for pictures. I am who I represented myself as, and don’t feel like I need to keep proving that to you. We were going to see each other soon enough.

The Cop: You b1+©h, I left court early for you (he was the one who had suggested the date and time).

Cop Hangs Up on Me

Immediately after, by text:

The Cop: You’re probably fat and ugly anyway.

Me: I think you just proved my point (about immaturity).

            The anger in his response, as well as the continued immaturity, left me knowing I’d made the right decision in cancelling. Now I just live in fear of random traffic stops. J